The Boring Issue

I always felt that I was some kind of impersonator of what it's like to be a young artsy hipster living this rollercoaster life I'm so known for. But I never felt hip, or current, because my highs were very high and my lows worse and real -tragric and real. I always played one to have fun but I knew that somehow, I still was this rootless boy who built himself from a bunch of crap.

It is a part of this so-called failure I felt so vividly for the past years. And very soon, even in high school, people started to top me as hip or cool or whathever by just being there. However I was not producing things, doing awesome exhibitions, gigs, movies, working in fashion or medias. I maybe have to assume that if most of my accointances are what common people labeled as hipsters maybe I am one after all but I really don't care and I have no time and no will to lay thoughts on it.

I do feel, selfishly, that none of the people around me had fought as much as I did for standing in my own two feets and not totally hating myself having this odd way of thinking, sayin' out loud that the dreams that were set for my future had nothing to do with me and burn it down.
I was horrified by the fact my entourage wanted me to be in this boring life, having an alieting job and being a simple man living that post suburbian life as if there was no other way of achieving myself. I do understand the reasons now but I truly think that they raised me to be in the top and gived up on me because they gived up on theirself. At the time they've seen war as a dooming from which it was impossible not to pay the penalty by dropping high expectations for all of us, and as in all economic crisis, being the elder, I was this new ready to launch product too young and too risky in recession times. And I was supposed to be ok with it but I didn't.

I did hated me for several years, squandering people away and ignoring that inner voice warning me that If I still pushing them away i'll have no one left to love. That's part of the game I guess, losing people that you really love by not being ready. This is why I decided few months ago that next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior. I sweared to myself, for my own good to won't let anyone close enough to hurt me. You can't just ask people to deserve you by putting them in your inside wars. I'ts not fair.

But I recently started to feel ok with myself 'cause I realised that this chaos crouching in my head for so long was a creative chaos and not a destructive one as I thought first.
It is truly a loaded gun and an unconscious use of it can shoot me to death, and actually it did several times. But well handled it is a creative one, it blends my life with powerful colours saving me from boredomness and i'm not that terrified of what the outcoming would be. Now that i'm sure of that, I may still razzeling in the dark or playing my life as a poker jam but it's worth enough to gamble.